If you could understand ChiTonga you might hear one say to another, "kukaka kwamupati taasi kuzungaanya mutwe". Literary translated as: Refusing of a big person is not shaking of the head. Better stated as: A person does not have to show that he has refused by shaking his or her head. Let us now try to get to the bottom of the proverb.
Tonga people have a rich vocabulary and an elaborate body language which includes the use of the head, hands, and feet. It is quite common to say "yes" by nodding one's head up and down. A person can say yes simply by nodding his or her head down and up. Sometimes this action can be accompanied by words.
Equally true, a person can say "no" by shaking his or her head from side to side gently or vigorously, depending on how strongly he or she feels about the issue.
A man sent his son to a rich neighbor asking for some money, a relatively small amount of money. The neighbor asked a lot of questions and sent the boy back to his dad empty handed. The dad inquired of the son what the neighbor did as he was asking questions. The dad wanted to know if it was a yes or a no, if he was giving or not giving him the money. The son explained everything as clearly as he could.
The father concluded by saying to his son, "Kukaka kwamupati taasi kuzungaanya mutwe", implying that the man did not have to shake his head as a sign that he refused. The sign was given first in the number of questions the neighbor asked, and also that he did not give the boy anything: no promise, no money.
The truth is, many times people say "no" without showing it out. This is very common in relationships. Reluctance can be a sign that a person is really saying "no" without showing it. More important, a person can say yes and still mean "no", without shaking his head. That is what complicates matters.
Knowing when a person is refusing (denying, or saying no) is very important because it can mean the difference between doing something or doing nothing.
Sometimes, this proverb is used in the form of advice to an inexperienced person who needs to be given a dose of reality. A young person who was hoping to receive something he asked for, or perhaps a stranger who asked for a favor or for some material thing can be advised this way, "Kukaka kwamupati taasi kuzungaanya mutwe."
